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Friday, August 26, 2005
Yesterday was long and tiring. But good.
I went out with Jordan around noon. It was the first time I'd seen him since the one day this summer with Megan, and other than that pretty much the first time we'd hung out in 6 months or so. I was really surprised that he wanted to see me. We went to Manito and just walked around talking and talking, not really about anything important but just catching up on things. I did ask him though, why he finally decided to call me. He said that it just sort of hit him that we needed to still be friends and that he missed me, and this time he actually wanted to do something to fix this. So yeah... Then we headed over to Quiznos for lunch, which was great. Then we got back in the car and drove to my house and just hung out on the trampoline. That brought back memories. I asked him if it weren't for things with Tina, would he have ever called me, and he said yes. I'm not sure if I believe that.
There's a lot of mixed feelings about this right now. There's so many things I think we still need to talk about, but I didn't want to ruin our first day back. I don't know what I should talk to him about, and what I should just leave alone because it's not my business anymore. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens when he gets back in town. All I know is that when we hung out, I could still see the real Jordan in him. Jordie is still there, somewhere.
After he left I got ready because I had an interview at Baskin Robins. Long story short, she offered me a job, and I'm going to take it, which means today I have to turn in my two weeks at JCP. It's weird, and I almost feel guilty. But I know this is how things work, and it won't be the first time someone has quit there. So yeah, goodbye retail, hello food services. Ha.
Then I headed over to Kaiti's house so I could finally give her the earings I bought her. She liked them, so that was good. I ended up staying for dinner (pizza) and we watched Footloose. Ave was suppossed to pick me up at 8:00, but he was running WAY late, so I stayed with Kaiti until about 10:30 watching TV. It was nice actually seeing her, which I've hardly done all summer.
Well, so Avery picked me up, finally, and we went to the gas station to get me some coffee because Starbucks was closed. Then we went back to my house to talk. We sat down in the basement and I acted like an idiot for for a bit while I cried over everything I could think of, most of which is still a year away and doesn't matter yet. I'm just really unprepared for this next year. Everything is going to be different: people are leaving, people are coming back, I have to get ready for college and take the SAT and get my senior pictures done, I'm a senior now! I'm going to have a new job, a new car that I still need to learn to drive, and I'm going to be responsible for all the things around my house that Sarah has been all this time. I'm scared for this year, but I'm really scared for next year. And it seems like all the people that I talk to about this shit are leaving. I dunno. So I just tweaked out for a while until I had run dry.
We had another thing to talk about too. I never know what to feel when we talk about it. I get mad and sad and upset, as if it were back when it actually happened. But things are different now, so why does it still bother me? I dunno. But I seemed so much more angry and bitter this time. Maybe it was because of all the other things bugging me last night, I don't know.
He finally left my house around 1:30 am, and then I crawled into bed.
*Sigh*, long day. And now I have to go work, so I'll talk to you people later.
Posted at 12:11 pm by ac_repair_love
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GUOTS!!!
It's MY life!
Don't you forget....
"You know what you do to me..."
A guy like you should have a warning!
"This is the worst fucking toast I have ever had!"
"I'm looking for someone who I can depend on, and who will depend on me. And... I saw that in you."
"Man... this is what I want..."
"Oh, well, you winked at me and my pants caught on fire"
So here I am
And from the back of my mind
An image, a memory,
Another ghost
You won’t be coming back again
"You don't recover from a night like this..."
I always was one for proving people wrong
"God... I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to hug you. I wanted to take you home and place you on my shelf. But I can't..."
"You are just devine"
It's funny, because now I look back on that night, and I can see it with such clarity. I think about that night, and what happened. It was like you were begging me. You were begging me to love you; to not let you down. It was different than I have ever been begged with before. For the first time, someone was looking me right in the eyes, and pleading with me, and I knew that it was okay if I said no. It was okay if I let them down. Because I knew that no matter what choice I made in that moment, that they loved me. And that they would continue to love me, unconditionally. That is why I said yes. That is why I let you in, and did what I did. I did it because I knew that it would have been okay if I hadn't...
"Because, if you fall... you fall, man!"
"You are a dark chocolate with the cream filling..."
"It will always be there"
Just because I love him... that will never take away from how much I can love you. My heart is endless. And you will always be my everything, even if he is my something....
"I figure if a have chocolate then everybody will love me."
****: ha, you make me laugh
^^^^: you make me shwing
If all my days go wrong, I'll think about that night.
It went right.
"I think you are forgetting what we have. Or had... in your eyes"
People are often unreasonable
and selfcentered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind people may
accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest,
people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness,
people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today
may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have
and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end
it is between you and God.
It was never between
you and them anyway.
-Mother Teresa
Where I need to be...
Seaside, Oregon
Under a willow tree (in Spring)
Backpacking Europe
New York City
La Seine (at night)
Alaska
The countryside (any will do)
The mountains
"You're the worst fucking fire fucker I've ever met!"
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