First Everythings

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Top Drawer

Yesterday, was dramatic.

Everything came falling down. My parents found out some stuff... and then everyone went into hysterics. There was yelling and crying and a family meeting. There are new rules now, and I feel like I'm going to have to walk on eggshells for a while.

Dan, I love you. So much, you have no idea. What you did means so much to me. It would have been so easy for you to say "Hey man, step off. You think I'm the one? Well you don't know anything." You could have just walked out. Of course I know that's not something you would ever do, but you could have. You sat there and listened to them say all those things to you, to try to scare you, try to hurt you. You took the blame for so many things that weren't even your fault. You listened to them, and apologized to them, yet you still stood up for me and us.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I just know what yesterday was horrible. And You are still wonderful. Everything will turn out in the end, I know.

Posted at 11:42 am by ac_repair_love
'cause I'm falling for you(1) Permalink

Thursday, October 13, 2005

A Boy For Each Day Of The Week. Only One I Can Love All Seven...

1. I wish he could know that I cry over him. Still. Which is so unexplainable and weird, because there is no reason for it anymore. We have been over for so long. But I do. I wish he knew that.

2. I feel so misplaced around him. I don't know what to say or do when I see him. Yet every day, without fail, we meet after school. Sometimes the boyfriend is there, and sometimes he's not. Every day it's a new struggle, and every day is passed off as if things were still the same. They aren't.

3. I'm afraid that if that boy keeps giving me that look, I won't know what to do with myself. I blush everytime I get that wink from him. I know I say he's like a brother, but c'mon, can any girl really resist that perfect smile?

4. I miss seeing your face in the hallways. Why did you leave? Was it really that bad; did you really need out? Did it have anything to do with me, or are you long over that? For all the times that I hated you, I miss you. And for all the times that I wanted you gone for good, I wish you were here again. I've almost forgotten the contours of your face...

5. When I see you hanging out with another girl, flirting with another girl, I am glad that I am not her anymore. I feel sorry for all your next victims. You are a hunter. I just hope that pretty little girl knows to stay out of your way.

6. Did my stomache actually flip? Did I actually enjoy talking to you? Did I actually think about inviting you to coffee one of these days?

7. Don't go back to her. That is all I have to say. Don't go back. You will always regret it. I will never forgive you...

Posted at 11:27 pm by ac_repair_love
'cause I'm falling for you(2) Permalink

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

You're Beautiful. But It's Time To Face The Truth...

Am I relating everything too closely to them, or is it true?

I miss you even more now. Because I can relate to her now. Does that seem weird? I know what she had to go through; I am experiencing it now. And that makes me want you here, so that things aren't so off balanced. Greedy, yes. But I just didn't know before how strange of a situation it was.

I keep wondering about something. I keep wondering what it could have been like.

Another thing has been creeping up into my mind, which is actually quite a scary thing. I'm worried, and I don't know if I have reason to be or not. Am I parinoid, or is my mind telling me something that my body can't yet? And if it's true, would I really do that? Would I tell anyone? I wonder how he would have felt if he hadn't been told, and then one day found out. Would he have been mad, or devestated, or would it have really made much difference at all? I don't know...

I need you.

Posted at 06:25 pm by ac_repair_love
'cause I'm falling for you(2) Permalink

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

"A Moment Shot"

Matthew? Hmm, interesting... I wonder why I always have dreams about people that aren't you.

Math? AHHHHHHH!!! I think i'm catching up, but just not fast enough.

My mouth hurts so bad. It has been non-stop pictures all day, since 7:15 this morning. Pointless pictures, professional pictures, silly pictures, senior pictures. I hope the senior pictures turned out good. Dan and I went and did them tonight, and I think it was alright. There will for sure be some that I hate, but I was surprised to find that there will be some I really love too.

Solo night is in a week. That is so freaking soon. I should do a lot better this year. Already I'm feeling more confident in this one. I don't think anyone in my family is coming though. So um, hmm. I guess nobody will know if I actually can sing.

Megan, where the hell have you been? I haven't talked to you in forever. (Also, where have I been? This page is empty.)

Avery, I bawled so hard after you left my porch. It just will not be the same for me without you here. It's so weird to think that you were(are) such a huge part of my life still. *Sigh*.

Having a car is amazing.

Back to Achilles and Agamemnon....

Posted at 09:58 pm by ac_repair_love
You can't stop my heart... Permalink

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Freedom---Entrapment?

Shit keeps falling down on my head...

More on that later. Right now, it's CSI.

Posted at 08:58 pm by ac_repair_love
'cause I'm falling for you(1) Permalink

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Ding Dong

Oh Mystery Driver Man. How I wish I knew who you were, with your hair so blonde. But then you would not be Mystery Driver Man. You would simply be Driver Man, who drove to my house. Who are you? Why did you drive to my house, just to ring my bell and leave? Where is your patience, Mystery Driver Man? Sure you rang the bell twice before leaving, but that just wasn't enough. You got into your old gray car, and drove off. I ran out to the street after you, but you just didn't see me. *Sigh*, oh well. I guess we will never meet, and I will never know who my Mystery Driver Man is.

Posted at 06:02 pm by ac_repair_love
'cause I'm falling for you(1) Permalink

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Are You Sick Of My Whinning Yet?

[Shooting Stars]: Lame
[Satellites]: I Hate Myself (For Loosing You) - Kelly Clarkson

Have you ever met someone, and it just seems like there is no way to protect yourself from them? Every little thing they do gets under your skin. You can't resist them, or anything they say. And every little action they do you notice, and you run over and over in your head trying to analize it.

He didn't even say anything to me. But what he did just drove me out of my mind. And then he was gone, and all of my plans went with him. All of my carefully picked words disappeared, and I was left feeling like an idiot. How do such stupid little things getting you spinning in circles like that?

Have you ever met one of those people? It's just insane.

Posted at 03:35 pm by ac_repair_love
You can't stop my heart... Permalink

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

No. Time. For. You.

Well, as you can see, I've taken a bit of a break from writing anything in here. Things have been busier than hell, and right now I just feel like absolutely nothing is going right.

Things seem to be on the rocks with Dan lately. We argue about every little thing and it's just getting so old. I feel like I can't say anything to him without him getting pissed off or offended. He's not happy about being back at school, and he's taking it so hard that he's letting it affect every little thing. I'm just getting sick of trying to coax him through everything and force him to talk to me about what his issue is. He probably thinks I'm being just as big of a bitch, but that's mostly me just feeding off of his negativity. I don't know what to do about it. I just feel like I'm wasting my time trying to help him, and he just already has it in his head that he hates everything right now. I dunno. I just hope all this bickering stops soon, or I'm going to freak.

I'm sick right now, and it's making me really tired. Plus it's making my voice crap out. We had to sing our solos for the class today, and I sounded like shit and looked like an idiot who didn't know my song. Yeah, I was pretty upset. It seems like all my ideas of this year, musically, are not happening. Another thing is my placement in Symphonic. This sounds like the stupidest thing to be upset over, and it really truely is, but I was disappointed that I didn't make "molases", or top row. I have been the last two years, and then suddenly I get my spot taken by some sophmores, and I am down to the third row. It's idiotic, but it's really been rubbing me the wrong way. I feel like I've been demoted, even though I know I haven't really been.

Something happened today that sort of upset me, but I'm not sure who exactly it makes me upset with. Maybe it's just the whole situation that makes me upset. Am I mad that he quit talking to me over something so stupid? Am I upset that for so long I was avoided and made to feel like an idiot because I didn't know what I had done wrong? Am I annoyed that he "gave him permission" to talk to me again? It's just stupid!

My money is running thin. I just got the car, and now gas is $3 a gallon, which I'm not looking forward to.

Time to leave. Don't know when to expect me back.

Posted at 05:57 pm by ac_repair_love
'cause I'm falling for you(1) Permalink

Saturday, September 03, 2005

"In My Mind..."

It was scary. That's the point.

Here is my info: Your parents are gone, and you have the house alone to yourself for the weekend. You should be home, yet you are not, and you could be anywhere. You are supposed to be going out with a girl who I know absolutely nothing about, and that I have never met. I was leaving town, and had no way to get ahold of you. The last time my boyfriend went out with a girl while I was out of town, my life as I knew it completely fell apart.

So tell me if you can understand why I would be upset that this is the first I have heard from you in two days. Tell me if you now get my point.

I have thought about him a lot lately. I think I even dreamed of him. Well not him, but what happened. And so yeah, I was scared. I was nervous. And you did nothing to ease that nervousness.