First Everythings

Friday, August 19, 2005

Cafeteria Tables

I was packing up my room, getting ready to take all the things I want to see everyday over to my mom's house. You should see the stack of pictures taken down off of my walls. And I got to thinking...

I am beginning to forget you. I'm starting to loose all my memories of you. And I don't want that. You are someone that I need to remember until the day I die. I can't let myself give up the thought of you. But it seems like with each good day that passes by, you become so much more distant, you are further and further away.

I'm not okay with that.

I've decided that I'm going to put your pictures back up. I am going to put pictures of everyone back up. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Everyone from the past has shaped my future, right? None of you deserve to be shoved in a drawer somewhere.

I'm not being crazy or getting carried away, trust me. I'm not breaking out all the old memories and just setting things free. It's just the pictures. The rest will stay in its place. But I just think... I still want to see your face. I still want to see our old smiles.

Pictures To Prove It - The Mighty Mighty Bostones

Well you insisted the day you walked away
That we shared nothing,
But I've got something I'd still like to say
You're not here to listen, and we were never good at that
Let's set the record straight, we shared something great
Even though now nothing's where we're at

Pictures to prove it, I've got the proof
When you hit the bricks, I hit the roof
I hit the bottle, put the pictures on the bar
I'll always have these pictures, but I don't know where you are
And I've got pictures to prove it

If you saw them, I'm sure
You'd be forced to remember
What we don't have anymore
I've got a pile of pictures
I've got a whole stack of proof
I've got pictures to prove it, I've got, I've got...

Pictures to prove it,
Smudged with fingerprints and tears
Cigarette ashes
And our first few happy years
They're old now, they're faded and the edges all are frayed
I'll always have these pictures
But I wish that you had stayed

I've got pictures to prove it
If you saw them, I'm sure
You'd be forced to remember
What we don't have anymore

I've got a pile of pictures
I've got a whole stack of proof
I've got pictures to prove it and all I ever do is
Stare at the pictures for hours on end
They tell the truth to me
While I'm sure you just pretend
And you deny we ever happened
And swear it never was that way
Even you'll admit when I submit to you exhibit A, right?

I've got pictures to prove it
I'm not just blowing smoke
If you don't believe me, believe them
No, this ain't no joke

I've got a pile of pictures
I've got a whole stack of proof
Someone look at the pictures
I've got, I've got....

Posted at 08:43 pm by ac_repair_love
'cause I'm falling for you(1) Permalink

Liars Go To Hell...

...but I don't really give a damn.

I just faked my way home from work about 4-6 hours early. No way was I staying until midnight tonight, and then coming back and opening in the morning.

My stomach actually has been bothering me. I just embellished a little.

Besides, they have me on a six day stretch with no breaks at all. What the fuck. I can't wait until I leave.

That's assuming I get picked up by one of the other places I applied. I have recommendations from current employees at all three places, so I guess now I just have to wait.

Now that I'm just sitting here, I realize I actually do kinda feel like shit. Maybe I should go lay down.

Oh, by the way, today is our 10 month anniversary. What great fucking timing.

Posted at 06:56 pm by ac_repair_love
You can't stop my heart... Permalink

So Tell Me, Am I The Real Thing? Or Would You Change The Color Of My Eyes?

Why am I here by myself right now, when you are supposed to be here with me? Why is this time different than the others...?

Does it really matter that we made this choice?

I feel very upset right now. I feel very very alone. Am I making too big of a deal over this? Maybe it's just my pms kicking in, and therefore I'm overreacting. Or maybe the sad truth is that there's always another motive, even from the people who love you most.

I miss you. I miss being with you. And I still want you, and I want you around, but it's like you can't handle it. This whole thing was about making sure our relationship is based on something good and pure, but instead we are just avoiding it until the next time. This isn't right.

I feel like shit tonight. I think I may be getting sick. My stomach is churning, and I am overheating. This was not a good night for all of this to be sprung on me.

Since when do you hang out with other girls?

It's not that I think that you would ever cheat on me, but seriously. Since when do you hang out with other girls.

.......

Do you ever wonder where you would be if you had stayed on the same track that you were on? Do you ever wonder why you got off of it in the first place? When I ask myself those questions, I think of two very distinct things. Two situations, two people. And you know what my answer is for both?

I just didn't have the fight in me anymore...

Ya know, when people ask about it I just tell them whatever, it didn't work out. But the truth is, I couldn't do it at all. I couldn't fight for the person anymore, because it shouldn't be a fight... it shouldn't be that hard to be happy.

I don't even know where I am going with this entry. I'm just worn. I feel like things are wrong. Because if they weren't, then you would be here right now...

Posted at 12:01 am by ac_repair_love
You can't stop my heart... Permalink

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Lord And Lady Loober!!!

So I got back from camp late Saturday night. Sorry I haven't written, but I've been busy.

Camp was awesome. I had a really great time, and I learned a lot. They kept us working from 7:00am until 10:00 or 11:00 at night, with only meals for free time. It was intense. My site reading skills improved a lot, and my piano playing abilities quickened a little too. And I strengthened my theory knowledge. Most of all, it got me feeling real comfortable singing and soloing in front of people, some who are better than me and some who are worse (lol, and some who are professional experts, but oh well).

The best part about camp though, was the people. Everyone is so friendly and outgoing, and at first it was just really weird to have a random guy come up and ask my name and introduce himself. But after a while everyone just sort of settled and found their own group. Lol, some of us even had rivalries by the end of the week. I was lucky and found myself a really great group of people, who I plan on staying in touch with:

Eren- my singing buddy on the risers
Jessica- an insanely crazy canadian
Sarah- she's so quiet at times, yet so silly

Anna- a cool kid with purple hair from Japan (not japanese)
Michael- the lover she was torn from
Alex- seriously the coolest kid I've ever met (also from canada)

So that was camp. Thanks to Kaiti and Megan for sending me stuff. It was really sweet of you guys.

I just called Kaiti and found out that Aubri already left to go back to Pullman. Man that sucks. I thought she was going to stay here in town for a while so we could all see her. Guess not.

Dan is coming over tonight, and my mom is putting blue streaks in his hair. I'm hoping it all turns out good, because it's going to last until he cuts his hair. I think he is turning into a little emo kid. We went shopping sunday, and all the new stuff he bought just screamed emo emo emo. Not that I mind, it's just weird, because he used to hate that look. He was one of those guys who thought all that stuff would make you look gay. Oh how far Dan has come in 10 months.

Well, I'm off. I want to load my pictures to the computer. Bye

Posted at 01:33 pm by ac_repair_love
You can't stop my heart... Permalink

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Nukular Tulips

I have just a couple hours left of free time, before life starts to get really hectic.

I work tonight until 10:00, then I have to come home and try to get some sleep, because we have to take off early tomorrow morning for Seattle. And then I have camp for the week. And I was just looking at the sample schedual, and I'm a little freaked out. Fourteen hour days with nothing but music and strangers who are all probably a lot more used to this than I am. My new fear is that within the first few days I will crash and burn and just be so tired that I want to go home. *Sigh*.

Then when I get back from camp I have two weeks to get my senior pictures done and learn how to drive a stick so that I can actually use my car. Then as soon as school starts I'm going to have to work on music non-stop again because it's only a short while before the solo night, and we have all yet to recieve our music.

So this is mostly for Dan, because he asked me to leavce it, but if any of you want to write to me or send me anything while I'm gone, here's how:

To e-mail me, send an e-mail to ssjazzcamp@aol.com and put my full name in the subject line. They will print it out and give it to me.

Or if you want to write an actual letter/send a care package, send it to...

Kirk Marcy/Megan Hershman
Edmonds Community College
20000 68th Avenue West
Lynnwood, WA 98036

And yes, that really is supossed to be 20000, don't think I screwed up and change it to 2000!

Well, that's it. I must go now. Have a good week. Talk to you all later.

Posted at 10:00 am by ac_repair_love
'cause I'm falling for you(1) Permalink

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Blah

[Shooting Stars]: Overheated
[Satelites]: Dinner At The Money Table - The Early November

*Sigh* Will I ever stop thinking of the past?

Last night I went through and read all of those old things you wrote, to see if it was true. It's been really weird talking lately about what happened. Normally we just joke and laugh and play-fight about it. But the last few times you have seemed so upset by it. And we started scratching at a whole new layer the last time I saw you, that for a moment it even got scary.

How did it change from innocence and love and pure misunderstandings, to trickery and deception and manipulation? The look in your eyes told me that you felt like your whole world had been turned upside down. Everything that you've been believing for so long that happened between us isn't real.

It was almost like you felt as if maybe you had made a mistake all those days ago.

I'm begining to believe that you really were true to me. You had no idea what was happening. And that's not to say that I buy into your whole "I'm a boy and I didn't know better" excuse, because I told you better. But I do think that you really did mean to do right for me, and that you just didn't really know how to do that. I know that I'm a pain in the ass, and when I tell you to back off I get mad that you are distant, but then when you step up I say that you are smothering me. I know. So in your situation, what were you supossed to try to do?

What happened wasn't right. There were many reasons that things happened the way they did, so I'm not going to blame it all on one person. It just didn't work out. It must not have been in the cards for us, and things must have fallen apart for a reason, because otherwise we could have been great. I think that if it weren't for certain things or people or events, that we would have made it. But çe la vie.

But just for the record, I believe that you really did love me. Or at least started to.

Wow, ok, so anyways. I kinda have some big news. So, my dad has had his teaching degree for almost two years, but hasn't been able to find a job. He gets all the highest recommendations, and everyone always requests him to be their sub, but he just hasn't been able to find an opening. That's spokane for you. Puts out the best teachers, but can't hire a one of them. Anyways, so he's been getting pretty down and upset, because after too much longer, he'll basically be labeled as a permanet sub for the rest of his career. Well...

A few weeks ago he applied for a job in Connell, which is about an hour and a half away from home. And we found out just a few days ago that he got the job. Which means that he has to live in Connell Mondays-Fridays, and here in Spokane with Sharon and us on the weekends.

So, the last week of this month, he has to move there. Which means from now on, Derek and I will live at our mom's house during the week, and at the Indian Trail house on just the weekends. It's going to be pretty weird. This will be the first time since I was six that the custody arrangement will be different. It kinda feels like he's going to be having visitation rights or something. Anyways...

I think Megan is here, so I gotta go. Ttyl.

Baby Blue - The Early November



It's a faster growing green
That flows through these leaves
I have, I try
I guess we'll be alright

Way to try
I got a line for you from me, better nice
A beautiful baby blue sky that's looking up at you
Now watch it fade away

But it's okay to come around
When nights like this are never ending
I tried so hard to make this perfect
You and I somehow
We can't see eye to eye together
We always knew that you worked better

I know you want it all and you got me
Sorry I never was everything you ever dreamed
But kept at bay for just in case that day

But it's okay to come around
When nights like this are never ending
I tried so hard to make this perfect
You and I somehow
We can't see eye to eye together
We always knew that you worked better

I don't want you to love me anymore

With my bags packed and ready to go
Nothing's ever hurt so much for me than to let you go
With my bags packed and ready to go
Nothing's ever hurt so much for me than to let you go

Posted at 07:42 pm by ac_repair_love
'cause I'm falling for you(1) Permalink

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Next Time I Fall In Love, It Will Be You...

"Today I saw somebody
Who looked just like you
He walked like you do
I thought it was you
As he turned the corner
I called out your name
I felt so ashamed when
It wasn't you, wasn't you"

I was at the store shopping around when out of the corner of my eye I saw him a little ways away. I took a moment to figure out what I should say/do. I debated on whether I should give him a kiss on the cheek when we hugged, which I was sure we would do, but decided it wasn't a good idea. Then I walked over to him with a smile and an "oh my gosh, how are you?!".

He got one of his beautiful, happy smiles on his face, and then bent down to give me a hug.

And then he kissed me. Not on the cheek, and not a friendly peck. He kissed me. And I reacted exactly how I've always imagined that I really would in a situation like that. I hesitated for a moment, just long enough for it to maybe be considered cheating on my part, and then I pulled away.

I was in utter confusion as I looked in his eyes with an expression that said "Here we go again, huh?".

.
...
.....
.......
.........
...........
.............
...........
.........
.......
.....
...
.

Then I woke up.

I can't believe Dan brought him back into my head. I hadn't thought about him all summer, and you'd think that Dan would appreciate that fact. But instead, he asked that one stupid question:

"Did you have feelings for him?"

Posted at 11:53 pm by ac_repair_love
'cause I'm falling for you(1) Permalink

Saturday, July 30, 2005

They'll Bite Their Tongues So Hard They Bleed

[Shooting Stars]: Sleepy But Content
[Satellites]: Miss America - Something Corporate

I love waking up in the morning wearing nothing but his clothes, and knowing that the last thinkg that happened before I fell asleep was him tucking me in. I love wearing clothes that are too big for me.

I'm sitting here right now sipping a 44oz. cherry coke, listening to All-American Rejects (there was a cd change since I typed in Miss America above), and chillin' on Sarah's brand new laptop. I am pleasantly rosey from the sun, and I'm wearing comfy clothes. I feel nice and refreshed.

I don't want to go back to work tomorrow.

The camp trip was good. It was fun, and I enjoyed being there with Dan. But it wasn't a blast like the year before. I wish the group had been able to come. That would have been so cool. Instead it just kinda turned into a big double date with Sarah and Daniel. But all in all, it was a nice trip. I didn't get hardly any pictures this time, and I wish I had. I suppose I would have taken more had everyone else been there.

Megan, when do you get back into town? We should go do something. It feels like it's been forever since I've heard from you.

So we lost one of Dan's brand new Nike running shoes. He just paid his grandpa $6 for gas to drive him back up there to look for it. I really hope he finds it, or else that's $50 down the tube. Shoot.

Oh. Yeah. And by the way, I am a total jackass. I can't believe myself. Megan, you will get a kick out of this one: Ya know the whole "2 month deal", and then the whole "we're in Idaho" loop hole? yeah, that would have been a great idea, had I remembered to bring the stuff needed for it. So we actually didn't get to do anything at all. I'm a fucking idiot.

dud un

dun

dud un

dun

dud un

dun

I love this song's beat. Woot.

So I've been planning on buying tickets to the Ani DiFranco concert at the big easy for Dan's birthday preasent, but then i was poking around on the Minus the Bear website and saw that they are going to be playing at Fat Tuesday's on the same night, and the tickets are like a third of the price. So I am stoked. I like Ani Difranco and all, but she can never match up to MTB. And if it's cheaper, then that just sets it in stone. So on September 8th, Dan and I will be there, right up front, rocking out. Can't wait.

Oh, I almost forgot. Guess what I got on Wednesday? My driver's license! Yay. This time I had a chick instructor, and she said I must have done a lot better this time, 'cause I hardly lost any points. So yeah. I got that, which rocks. And my picture doesn't even suck or anything, so that makes me happy too. The only thing that sucks is that I can't drive my car yet, because they still have to teach me to drive a stick. Grrr. But by the time school starts, and Sarah leaves, I will be able to cruise around whenever I want. No more being stuck at the house bored out of my mind all the time. Which is good, because Ave won't be around to always rescue me anymore.

"And all the perfect words... they seem so wrong."

I love all of these lyrics. So amazing. They used to fit the situation a lot.

I keep thinking a lot about past and future stuff. The present doesn't really concern me so much right now, because it just flows. I don't have to worry about it going right. So this is a chance to figure out the next step, and also sort through the old shit.

I have gone through some tough stuff, ya know that? In the big broad picture, I have had a pretty nice life filled with a lot of great things, great people, great moments. But I have also gone through some really hard things. And some really bad things have been done to me. Can you imagine that? When you look at me now, can you picture me being close to the breaking point? Can you picture me down and out and wanting to quit? I can't.

Can you picture someone really wanting to hurt me or cause me pain?

It may seem self-praising, but I can't imagine anyone hating me, or having any reason to do me wrong.

I think for the next year, I want to collect a bunch of picture frames. I was looking on my picture wall the other day, and there are a lot of frame worthy pictures on there. Even ones of people who aren't in my life anymore. So I want to get a bunch of frames, and put all those picturesd around my room, and those can be what I take with me to college after next year. I want to have pictures all over my dorm when the time comes.

I saw my two really great pictures of Jordan. One is where he has my empty licorice tub over his head and looks like a robot, and the other one is where he's lying on my bed doing a "sexy" stripper pose. They are really great pictures of him, because they remind me just exactly of who he used to be. Hey Jordie, if you still read this, leave a comment, just so I know you're still there.

Who am I kidding, he doesn't read this.

I saw my little tag board at the side of my blog, and it's got "Represent, represent, CUBA!" on it from Aubee. At first it made me laugh, and then I thought it was weird.

We went through such a weird period there, didn't we? It was like, for a couple months there, everything between us just fell apart. I haven't really talked to you in a long time. It's weird refering back to a personal joke of our's. Not that it's bad, it was just odd. I commented on her blog with a memory I have of when she stayed at my house for the weekend, and that made me feel weird too, because it seems like it was so far away.

I just hope we have gotten everything squared away. Maybe it'll be easier once I see you in a couple weeks, and we can actually spend some time together.

" I wish I could travel away to the sunset back to the day that we first me; only believe the things I wrote, I'd put 'em in a note, yeah. Cross my "t"s and dot my "i"s. Better say hello; I'm gonna wave goodbye. I'll write "sincerely yours" and sign my name. P.S. I love you, forever and today... "

Oh, more lovely lyrics.

Ya know what I hate? I totally hate people who just talk on and on and on about shit that they have no clue about, and that has nothign to do with them. People are idiots. They can't even see a good thing when it's right under their nose. What we have is definately a good thing. It hasn't hurt anyone. It has done nothing but benefit all the people involved. And all some people can do is sit around and bitch about it and try to bring us down. Don't talk about being right for eachother. That's easy for you to say when you met your girlfriend online and she lives across the country. You never have to see her and ever find out if she is right for you. You can just sit back and pretend that it's perfect and say that God "told you" that you are meant to be with her. The truth is that you don't have a relationship. You have a penpal.

And what is this Bloomsday bullshit? How did word get spread that I apparently can't even do Bloomsday? Uh, hello! I did it just fine, and the whole family was there to see. I went even faster than he did. I complained once about my knee, but it would have hurt even if I was just sitting on the couch. That's just how my knee is. And come on! Kaiti and I did it the year before on our own just for fun. So how is it that everyone's arguement is "She can't even do Bloomsday with you!"? People are messed up. I'm not unable, and I'm not too fat/out of shape/heavy. I just happen to like doing other things. And that has never hurt him. He likes being active, so I go and be active with him. I like being lazy, so he comes and be's lazy with me. It's a beautiful thing. Too bad none of you have it with anyone.

*Sigh*, like I said, people are stupid.

My elbows hurt really bad right now from holding my arms this way. Is that why Ave and I didn't work? 'Cause I couldn't handle being on the computer this long?

Jackasses.

I can't believe it's 7:00 already. It seems like we just got home. It seems like I just left for my vacation. I can't believe I have to work tomorrow. I hate them. I can't believe that they are making me work full time this summer. That was so not what I signed up for. Bitches. I am going to make sure that doesn't happen over Christmas break. There is no way I am working full time during the holiday madness now that I'm on the floor instead of behind a nice desk. Yeah right, not happening. If they give me any trouble about it, then I'll just bring up all the child labor laws they've been breaking so that I can get my way. Ha.

This is a pretty random entry. And it's pretty long considering I hardly write anything anymore. I just get pretty bored. It used to be that just about all of us had a Blogdrive blog, and those who didn't had a Xanga. But now everyone is switching around, and either dropping out or just switching to new blogs without telling anyone. It was too hard to keep up with, and so then I just started feeling like I was the only one of us left wasting my time writting about my world on here. I'm trying to get better again though. I think I might switch to MySpace soon though. Or just start posting the same blogs at both places, because really, I'm just at MySpace so much more often. It'd be convenient I guess. Anyways, we'll see. Imma go do something else useless now.

Always,
Megan

Posted at 07:07 pm by ac_repair_love
'cause I'm falling for you(3) Permalink

Friday, July 22, 2005

If This Silence Takes You, Then I Hope It Takes Me Too...

The other night, I walked into my bedroom and got ready to go to sleep. And as I went to flick on the little lamp next to my bed, I saw that my little Blue Bunny Ice Cream bunny was laying on the floor...

Michael got me him in Iowa at the ice cream factory shortly before we broke up. That silly little bunny is the one thing of Michael that I have left lying around my world. All the other things were taken down off the shelves and walls, and put into a tidy little bow, that is tucked away in a drawer. Because they just... don't matter anymore. But that little bunny was just so cute, and I guess my reasoning for keeping him in his place was "Well, it's not like he ever hurt anybody...".

So then I sat up, and I stopped and looked at what I was holding: in one hand was the Blue Bunny- my only remaining item from Michael, and in the other hand was my Pink Pig- an anniversary gift from Dan, which I sleep with every night. And it was funny to me, that I could be holding two stuffed animals, and feel that I had my two great loves encapsulated in my hands.

I went to bed thinking about him, and about all of the time we spent together. Whenever Dan and I talk about him now, it always seems to me as if we weren't quite as important as I once believed that we were. And sometimes I feel stupid for having put so much trust into something that turned out to be such a mess. But the other night, I went to bed thinking about him and that stupid little bunny, and I guess you could say that i saw things in a new light. Or an old light, to be more accuate.

When I think about him, the things that stand out in my mind are some of the saddest moments that I have ever experienced. But they don't make me sad. Because those sad moments that I see are also some of the most amazingly beautiful images I have ever seen in my life. I often wish that I could take those pictures from my mind, print them out in black and white, and put them up on display or sell them. They are georgeous images. Or maybe make a movie. If I could condense those seven months into a two hour film, it would be... beautiful.

So I don't know. I guess I can look back and think about how silly and juvenille it was, and how naive I used to be about him and everything that happened. Or, I can think about those images that are burned in my brain and just accept the fact that we were something. We were truely a once in a lifetime experience. We were priceless.